day 16

The beach today was so beautiful, and I realized that I really should be taking more pictures. Of everything and anything. I guess thats my summer resolution, or one of them at least. But then again, I always love the idea of resolutions, like for new years etc. but I never really follow through with that. Maybe deep down, I just don't care enough about what i'm resolving to actually get it done. I hate doing things I don't want to do. Today was was so desperate to get out of something that I completely lied to someone. It really isn't such a big deal, but I feel really MEAN, and I hate feeling mean. There is just a feeling that you know you have done the wrong thing, and I don't want to fix what I've done, I guess I just wish I was more direct and honest in the first place, because I only put myself in these situations. Anywho, my morals say that I should tell the truth, but my mind is so set against it that I can't do it. I'll get over it. If only the people in my life could read my mind, so I never had to deal with the messy parts. Maybe thats what I'm avoiding, not a person as much as a situation. Sometimes It's just so hard to read other people. Who wants you vs who wants to get to know you. EVERYONE SHOULD JUST MAKE THEIR INTENTIONS CLEAR. Because it's too difficult to try to judge what someone is really thinking from a text or a little chat. Actually, for me its impossible. I need it spelled out. If I can't figure what to make of something or someone, I avoid it. Thats all, I'm simply a coward.

day 15

right now I am wondering if human nature makes us afraid of everything, or if we just do that to ourselves.

day 14

So I know that people these days are always trying to show how different they are by having a blog, or finding a cool picture. These are not really the things that define oneself. Maybe a couple people like reading this, or not. Maybe they read this and think about how similar I am to the rest of the 17 year old girl population. To be honest, whatever they think, they're right. I constantly see myself changing. On occasion I can be myself completely, but at least I know when I am faking it. Baby-steps right?

day 13

"make a move on me baby, I can't be the one who's always taking chances"

-Rooney

day 12 part 2

I think we all have different ways of dealing with our problems. I don't know if they work. I'll find out though.

day 12

Today I truly realized that I am such a child. I am such a sap. Its getting out of hand actually. I was watching Grey's Anatomy today, and just crying through everything. At the end of the episode there was this romantic part, and everyone was getting with who they were supposed to be getting with, and I see that and I believe in all of that again. I haven't for a while I guess, maybe not in the depths of my soul, but part of me has given up on that fairy tale. Why shouldn't I though, guys who seem like the nice ones make girls put in all the effort. What kind of anything can be created from a one-sided crush? Speaking for girls everywhere, guys, what the fuck are you doing? Please, please just let us win one, just this once.

day 11

I can make things easy for myself I think. Maybe I just choose to complicate my life unnecessarily? Actually I know I do. Why can't I just be happy and content? I am! I am? I just don't know today. Maybe I'll know what i'm thinking tomorrow.

day 10 part 2

Safeness is something I think I need. Later today I was considering going to this movie thing with people. It would be something to do, easy, no big deal. But then, I thought to myself, what if its boring and people are awkward. So, I ditched. It was safe. Maybe I shouldn't be so safe for a while. It makes it too easy to stay home and sit around.

day 10 part 1

I just got out of the shower. As I was in it though, I could feel that it had started to rain outside. Rain makes me feel safe, even though its not warm or cozy. I like to feel safe.

day 9

Sometimes I get sad because I see myself being happy, and know that others are not. I want to help them, I really do, and I feel selfish for having something they don't. Am I though? I just don't understand what the "protocol" is for things like that. Is there one? Should we just let things stay the way they are, like, hmm, what's that history term for when people are born into something and they stay there? THAT. Whatever that is. That honestly can't be real though, people have the power to change their fate, and shape their destiny. So maybe people do just need that extra push towards happiness, and it can't hurt to be the person to give that push.

day 8

today is a day that I don't want to complain about. I think thats a good thing. And also, its about time.

day 7

"when your back's against the wall, that's when you show no fear at all."

day 6

So what does it really mean to win? Is winning what makes us happy? or what makes us successful? I think that there is a difference, but I don't really know what it is. People everyday talk about their goals of being successful, and ultimately winning at life. But the flaw is that life is not a game. There is no god looking down on us and playing chess with our already fragile lives. So when we "win" at life what do we expect to come of it? Especially considering we don't even know what we want. Scenario. I apply for the same job as a friend but I get the job over her. Do I win because I got the job? or do I lose because my friend is unhappy? I know that we should look out for ourselves, because ultimately people leave and life moves on, but should we still be so heartless to think that one persons failure is our "win"? But now that I think about it, what is losing? It seems like we can never win completely.

day 5

I am sitting around with Christina and Keighty, who is smoking my toes. I love this feeling, I feel warm in my stomach and light in my head. Earlier we all made some art stuff, which I love. I guess its hard to think of interesting things to say when you can't really move or walk or think. Here's one of the things that I made today!

day 4

Today is a boring day. I wish i was motivated to do something but honestly, i don't want to move. I feel like everyone is talking about how summer is the time to be lazy, and thats great. But where is the line between lazy and dead? I hope i'm just lazy. It seems weird that i'm just sitting around waiting for all these great things to happen. Why can't i just go make myself happy and do something productive? Oh well, i'll do something later.

day 3

I was at the doctor's office yesterday to get my usual sports physical. I really hate going to the doctor. there's always that weird smell; some of it is sick people, and the rest is like too much clean. Yes, that sounds weird but i hate that. I remember reading somewhere that its okay for a baby to get some dirt in their system to make them more immune to diseases and what-not, so i hate the idea of overboard cleanliness. I also hate the quickness of it. I was in and out in 20 mins. The nurse checked my height and weight, and the doctor hit my knees and looked my in ears. I feel like i could have done that at home. seriously. I wonder if the doctors feel useless. They went to years of med school only to tap kids on the knees and check a pulse. My last thing to rant about is the creepy sameness of everything. Every little bottle and chair is exactly in its own place all the time. I feel like if i bumped the chair some siren would go off and I would be tackled by nurses and escorted out of the building. creepy.

day 2

Today was my last day of junior year. I probably should be sad or something, but all i want is summer and to be alive again. The cocoon that school has put me in is breaking at last.