day 83

Its okay that I can't have it all, because I don't need it all. Its like those people who have 64567 tv channels, which they can't possibly watch all at the same time. You don't need them, and thats what it really boils down to. If you have it all, you probably don't have what you need, and what you need is what matters. I'm obviously surviving just fine without all the frivolous things I want, and I'm happy because I have what I need. Of course I want more though, its only human to never be satisfied with what I have. The biggest deceptions are things we convince ourselves of-- I'll be happy when I get that job or buying those shoes will complete me. It takes time to realize that the truth is right in front of us, the glass is always going to be half full no matter how bottomless it seems. We are always going to want more.

day 82

I hate hate hate hate it, but no one can have it all. Maybe for a second or two, but its not worth anything if you can't make it last right? I'm not sure if I would like to have everything for just a moment, and have it taken away; or to just never get it all ever. One has to be less painful right? I think that I couldn't handle it all if I had the opportunity. What would I do? If I had it all what, would it really be worth? I guess these are the easy questions, because the more I think about it, the less I know what "all of it" even is. Its nothing; its a feeling, its a second, its a blip of an almost, its something I can't have.

no ones got it all.

day 81

We are all so convinced that our individual pain is worse than everyone else's pain. Truth is, we have no idea what anyone else is going through. Even when someone spills their guts, tells you everything, you still don't feel it. That doesn't mean that you don't want to feel it, we all have some desire for apathy. It doesn't matter what you want though, because you can't get it, someone else's pain is never going to be your pain. Ever.

day 80

Since when do I have to try so hard? I know, I know, I should always be trying, but seriously I hate working for something when I don't have any idea what the pay off will be. I can't be expected to work towards nothing right? Thats just as dumb as working in the first place. All I want to do is be happy, lazy, and satisfied. But i'm not satisfied if I have no goals, or if my goals are unattained so I keep working and working towards whatever strange goal I have at the moment. I guess you could say i'm just really frustrated.

day 79

"and when no one else sees, I see only you."

- Good Old War

day 78

It is okay to give up. It is okay to give in. Sometimes in the end, there is nothing left to do. No more fighting, because it means nothing. No more trying, because nothing changes. There are no choices, because the choices have been made already. I don't even want a choice, I just want to let you do what you want because at this point, all I want to do is not care. Thats it. You chose. You got to end this, and if thats what you want, I'm done being in your way.

day 77

Today what I want is to feel inspired. Nothing is popping out at me and making me want to create anything. I took a few pictures last night, and I really like a couple of them, but I wonder what else there is behind the pictures. I guess there doesn't have to be something there for them to mean something to me, but still, I just want some raw inspiration. I want a muse. Actually I think that there is probably so much inspiration around me, but my attentions aren't really focused on that right now. How rude of me to not pay attention, I'm missing so much.

day 76

The days are growing shorter, and I can't tell you what to do. I wish that I could help you choose, but what you have going on is too complicated for you to explain to me. I just want to help you so much, and I hate that there is nothing to do. I feel so useless, but I know that I don't have any other choice. Its not the bad kind of useless though, the kind where you feel left out. Its the kind where I know in my heart that I cannot help you, but I want so desperately to be able to. I hope that without me telling you, you understand that if I could, I promise that I would. I want you to be happy, and I want you to feel confident that whatever you choose is right. Even if it doesn't feel right at first, you can make it right okay? You really can. It isn't a one way street, you can turn around and you can change your mind. Not that it makes it any easier for you, but just know that its never going to be a mistake, no matter what you choose.

day 75

I just really want to be around you. Holding hands, smiling, happiness.

I like you, and you are easy to like.

day 74

There are always a few songs that just mess with your head, they make you weep, they make you weak. Mine is fix you, by Coldplay. That song, my god. It is so, fragile, and honest, and soft. I honestly don't know what to do with myself when I hear it. It is the sound of love, and sadness, and just happiness. The real kind of happiness, where it is only pure joy. I love love love love it.

day 73

"whats the point of converse if its not engaging and long?

whats the point of learning if you knew it all along?

whats the point of singing if you can't sing along?

whats the point of tasting if i don't taste your tongue?"

day 72

You are so warm, and cute, and fun. I like being around you, you make me happy!