day 26

Lately i've just been in such a fog. I guess I have some suspicions as to why, but nothing really makes enough sense for me to believe it. I just can't trust myself enough to think of a solution, or even a real problem. Do you ever feel like things are really going great, so you have to a create a non-problem to fill the drama void in your life? I don't, not really anyways. If I do, i think It must be really subconscious. I think I would notice if i were trying to fuck up my own life. But hey, maybe I'm just telling myself that. too much.

day 25

I keep writing myself into rust
It's all around us
Get naked and get in my heart as fast as you can
I keep writing myself into rust
Make it all seem so much harder
But soon, you'll be far away
Far away

- Anthony Green

day 24

Every second counts.

day 23

I love the feeling that you get when you feel like all the work you've put in amounts to something. It is fantastic, and rewarding. Maybe the end does justify the pain it took to get there. But i'm lucky, things don't always work out like that. Too often people end up feeling like everything they have worked for comes to no avail. We, people, are not useless. We give up too easily, myself included. Is that human nature? To just give up when things aren't going our way? I see myself do it all the time, and sometimes I am proud to say I know when to stop, or when to just say "no more". Is that being strong, or just copping out? The lines tend to blur together, and in the end no matter what I can't help but think that I am a coward. I love believing that I always do what I want, and what makes me happy. But here's a secret, I know that I don't. I follow the rules most of the time, because guess what, I'm afraid too.

day 22

Today I had all these dreams because I kept falling asleep on the couch. First I was in the car, in a parking lot. Then I was driving to keighty's house, but when I got to the door, I realized it wasn't her house. Which really freaked me out, so I woke up. I wonder what it means. Anyways. These past few days have just been really happy. I just want summer to last longer. Somedays i feel like there's only 10 days left. I know its not true. but just the thought of it is terrible. Please stay longer, yes you, and summer too.

day 21

I like to sleep, because when you are sleeping, you are dreaming.

day 20

I'M SO HAPPY BECAUSE I GET TO GO ON A MINI VACATION WITH AWESOME PEOPLE. I honestly can't wait to just be out in Illinois, even if its only 3 hours away. Any kind of break is a good break. No thinking about summer school, no being stressed, no lack of happiness. This is what I've been waiting for.

day 19

Today is a day I can be proud of! I made soup for Laura because she is sick, and I survived the first day of summer school. I guess it really is not impressive at all, whatsoever, but hey, everyday brings a new little challenge, and its kinda nice to know that somedays you can just get by, and other days you can rock it. Well, somewhat. I think that I do good deeds for people, and I suck it up at school. But i'm still a bitch. I've been getting really frustrated lately, because I can't seem to get what I want. I know I can get it, but I am really...? Afraid maybe, or self conscious. I need to get over myself and just do what I really want to be doing. But its easy to say that, or type that, I NEED TO DO IT!

day 18

"I'm a million different people from one day to the next"

day 17

Sometimes I become mad for no real reason. Or the thing is, there is a reason, but I haven't totally figured it out yet, its just a nagging tension in my brain that won't let me think about other things, and its stupid. IT IS REALLY STUPID. Not really, because if it was unimportant, it wouldn't be in my head all the time. Other people either take out this "anger" on the person they feel this towards, or they keep it inside and let it die a slow confusing death. I let it die the slow confusing death. Maybe its the right thing to do, but I can't decide because I don't know if it better to create something that may or may not be there, or if I should just let whatever it is go away on its own. Either way there will always be a little hint of fatigue towards both parties. We all suffer. We always lose.