day 36

I thought that I was 100% over someone, and over and over I am learning that it is 100% impossible for that to be true. Not just for me, for anyone. As much as you try to block someone out of your life, or try to be happy for them it is unrealistic to an extent. I hate to admit it but there is always a pang of something when I hear about other girls or distractions. I know that it is unfair of me to think that he has any of these same views or feelings, and thats not even what I want. I think that what I want is for me to be happy enough with myself that I can be happy for him. But I guess that since I'm not happy for him, I'm not happy with myself. For some people it is a competition. Who will be the first one with someone else? If it is you, you win. Thats really dumb. You don't win anything really. Maybe you get your own little satisfaction for a day or two, but it isn't really meaningful, because you haven't made peace with anyone. Somedays I feel so strong in my ability to not let his actions bother me at all, but now I can't help it. So, I admit it, I'm not over it. I can't be. He is always going to be in my life, and a part of it, I just have to deal with it.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

day 35

I want so much all the time. Sometimes i feel guilty about it. Mostly when it is a person that I want. There is this song by Michelle Branch called desperately, and its about wanting someone so furiously. Songs like that are so effective on me. Seductive, but not trashy. Just such an intense craving, to the point where the line between want and need is blurred. When I get what I want, I feel so accomplished. Or wait, not even that, just triumphant, like I beat something. But I didn't, all I got was what I wanted. When what I wanted is a person, I end up finding out that a good thing only lasts so long. People are about lust, and I know thats okay. It only becomes a problem when I forget how people really are.

Day 34

I hate when people quit something, or give up. Its a huge pet peeve.

Mine

Here's a secret. or more like a little confession.

I think Demi Lovato is fantastic.

day 33

I honestly believe that to share what I feel I need to touch. I think that the way to transfer the energy that I have inside is to squeeze a hand or give a hug. Some people like to write, or dance, whatever. But in their own way that is touching. Sharing is touching. I think secrets are intimate little details of one's person, and if you are lucky enough for someone to tell you a secret, you are blessed. Really REALLY blessed. Because just to get to know someone for all that they are is just a gift. So touch, and be touched.

day 32

I know just as well as anyone that not everyone is destined to get along. Thats ok, thats life. I just don't understand how some people don't see that line between dislike, and cruelty. People don't have to be friends, but they don't ever need to go out of their way to hurt someone else. That crosses the line. What kind of satisfaction is there in hurting someone else? I know that I can be harsh about people, and I can talk shit. I just am sad to see the people I love get hurt. Not mad, or vengeful, just sad. I feel like it all can go back to the bigger picture. We don't get anything out of hurting people. Why even bother wasting time when life is so short?

day 31

But I was made the way I am,

I'm not a stone, I'm just a man.

Secrets

I like to know secrets, and to have some of my own. Its kind of weird though when you know something that no one else knows. In a nice way I guess. Most of the time knowing secrets doesn't phase me at all, its the usual. But today I was on Facebook, and I saw a random post pop up on my news feed. When I saw it, I didn't think anything of it, and then I read it. Honestly it wasn't a serious life changing post or anything. But I remembered that I knew a secret about the person who posted, and it had to do with the person that they had posted to. Peoples true intentions are so obvious. Really people, you think you are so clever. Its stupid I know, but I feel like the more you know about someone without them knowing, the more you can actually see who they are. They can't try to be someone else in front of you, because they have no idea what you know.

day 30

"you are the unforecasted storm."

day 29

day 29

Knowing that I need to do something is probably the most annoying thing in the world. I have 2 summer reading books that I need to get done, and just the idea of it looming over me is driving me crazy. Gross. That among other things I must take care of. Its really freaking me out that this is my senior year, and I just need to leave all the things that have happened in my past, in the past. I feel like the past has just really been on my mind lately. This summer has just been me living in reoccurring dreams. But now Its about time I move on because I'm about to be dumped into a huge swimming pool of life, and I'm not the best swimmer.

day 28

breathe in, breathe out.

day 27

Its weird to think about, but we are all replaceable. We quit our jobs, the boss hires someone new. We want new friends? Sure, but its not like the old ones are there waiting around for you. We keep moving forward. We make decisions and changes, and then when we realize that we don't really like what we're stuck with we try to get into our time machines and insert ourselves into places we no longer belong. People may say its never too late, but I can't agree. The voids that we leave when we are gone, or have moved on eventually get filled.