day 36

I thought that I was 100% over someone, and over and over I am learning that it is 100% impossible for that to be true. Not just for me, for anyone. As much as you try to block someone out of your life, or try to be happy for them it is unrealistic to an extent. I hate to admit it but there is always a pang of something when I hear about other girls or distractions. I know that it is unfair of me to think that he has any of these same views or feelings, and thats not even what I want. I think that what I want is for me to be happy enough with myself that I can be happy for him. But I guess that since I'm not happy for him, I'm not happy with myself. For some people it is a competition. Who will be the first one with someone else? If it is you, you win. Thats really dumb. You don't win anything really. Maybe you get your own little satisfaction for a day or two, but it isn't really meaningful, because you haven't made peace with anyone. Somedays I feel so strong in my ability to not let his actions bother me at all, but now I can't help it. So, I admit it, I'm not over it. I can't be. He is always going to be in my life, and a part of it, I just have to deal with it.