day 48

What is this? Everything is wrong and twisted into this hateful existence. I can't help but hesitate to apologize. What is it that I am sorry for? It is annoying when people apologize just to make you shut up. I am not that person. I wonder sometimes if I am too prideful, and if that gets in the way of my friendships. Today in class we talked about pride, and what a person would be like if they had no pride. We would all be cowards, without enough courage to stand up for ourselves. So maybe I am making a big deal over something small, or perhaps it deserves the attention. If someone makes a fuss over something there is always a reason, always. What is the purpose of a "big deal"? It shows that something is really wrong, more than just the issue at hand. I think that instead of dealing with the issues, people tend to get mad at those who they view as dramatic. But how are issues ever solved if friends argue about arguing? Its useless and fruitless, the battle will never be won at this rate. How can it? No matter what is said anymore, there is no way to ensure that words will not be taken in the wrong way. Is my effort going anywhere, or am I the way you make me feel? useless.

"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him."

- Louis L'Amour

day 47

Today I was a fake.

day 46

I need to do this, because it is not okay. I want things to be alright, and I want to forgive you. But I can't. I just can't understand you. I know that nobody can always do the right thing, and that people get hurt sometimes, I really do. Not everything you do can be forgiven. So I hope you understand that this isn't the end, but there is no such thing as a fresh start. You don't get to have one, you don't deserve one. Maybe I won't always be around for you. I want to be, but you have made it too hard. I don't want to pretend that things are alright between us, and I don't want to be a bad friend to you. So what am I supposed to do when nothing can be done by me? Its frustrating and infuriating. I am not two people.

I thought that I would feel better after we talked, but I feel worse. I am not someone you can take for granted, I am not someone who always forgives and forgets, or even forgives. Let me put it this way; there are lines that are obviously not to be crossed, you crossed the lines and expected something from me that cannot be given. I am very sorry because I do not know what to do and how to feel. But mostly I am sorry because you can no longer give me the answers to the questions friends have. I apologize if your actions were because of me. I apologize if they weren't. I'd like to finish this off by saying that I hope everything you have done to me was worth one night. You got what you wanted right?

day 45

I had the most beautiful dream last night. I was walking down this dirt road with someone and we turned into this farmland, and walked through the grass to his house. This lovely red farmhouse surrounded by trees and crops. When we got to the house we saw that we had left our luggage behind at the road. Then I woke up. I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with dreams. I love when I remember a dream, but I hate trying to pick apart the pieces of them to understand what they mean. Maybe this one means that things are too good to be true, or just that we are always missing something. Or maybe, just maybe, it was only a dream.

day 44

we're just ordinary people,

we don't know which way to go.

day 43

Your friends shall be the tall wind,
The river and the tree;
The sun that laughs and marches,
The swallows and the sea.

Your pray'rs shall be the murmur
Of grasses in the rain;
The song of wild wood thrushes
That makes you glad again.

And you shall run and wander,
And you shall dream and sing
Of brave things - and bright things
Beyond the swallow's wings.

And you shall envy no man,
Nor hurt your heart with sighs,
For I will keep you simple
While search may make you wise.

day 42

I am not a second place person, and I hate being treated like one. I don't care if you don't realize anymore. Please, just wake up! All I want is for things to be better, but its so hard when you barely know that something is wrong. Please be a better friend to me. I wouldn't do this to you.

day 41

A couple years ago I really disliked this girl who shall remain un-named. I thought that she was trying to take my boyfriend away from me, and to this day I had a deep dislike for her. Today during my lunch period I went into the graphics room just to work on some photo stuff, and she ends up sitting behind me. So I'm just getting work done, listening to my ipod, minding my business, when I hear someone say "Did you take that? I really like it!". I turned around and it was her. I told her that I took it, and how I took it etc., and to my great surprise she seemed kind of nice. Not that tomorrow I will go into that class and be her friend, but I'm finally over that harm that she caused in my life. I don't really think about this often, but now that I have, I am proud of myself. Taking a step towards anything new seems to be a big deal for me these days.

and i won't take it back.

HA

day 40

YOU ARE SO FRUSTRATING. How hard is it to talk to someone every once in a while?SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY! It just shouldn't be this hard. So now it isn't.

I mean really, we all have our issues. But come on, when you have a good thing waiting for you you take the opportunity. SERIOUSLY. Thats what you do. SERIOUSLY. This is really annoying, and you are really dumb. Wake up. SERIOUSLY. I hope you do soon, because then you will see that it is too late for you, and I have moved on. SERIOUSLY.

P.S- I realize how adolescent I sound, but seriously, I AM an adolescent.

day 39

Sometimes I secretly hope you think about me too, even though I say you are a slut, you better know I still care. At least a little. Sometimes.

day 38

Sometimes it is really great to be wrong about something. This weekend I was so mad at one of my closest friends, only to find out what I had been thinking was wrong all along. I'm so glad.

day 37

Lately people have been sharing random things about themselves via tumblr/etc. So, because I am a total follower and I am not creative enough to think of what to blog about today, this is my one thing...

I make excuses for people so that I can think of them the way that I want.