day 65

I hate this, hate hate hate this. When I think about you I want to feel happy, but instead I feel remorse. I want so badly to be glad that you were in my life, but more than that I wish that you still were. Being across the world makes being friends with you impossible I guess. But for me, not being friends with you is hard. I could tell you anything, and I wanted to tell you everything. You listened and understood me, and I in turn loved hearing about your adventures. The things you told me were unlike any other secrets I had heard, and I thought you were really interesting. I hope you know that I think most people are dull and useless, so when I say that I thought you were really someone it actually means something. There are things that I never got to say to you, and perhaps someday I will. I hate so much that I have this inability to move on from you, but, to be honest, I keep searching for a replacement. The more I think about trying to replace you, the harder it becomes. When I think about replacement, I realize that it isn't really possible. There is no substitute teacher that has ever been the same as a teacher, nor can one friend be exchanged for another. I cannot replace you, I cannot forget you, I can one up you. Even if you cannot be replaced, I know that there is someone out there looking for me, the way I am looking for them. In my perfect world, it is them who will sweep me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset. We will be happier and we will be real. We will love each other's flaws and forever seek the good in our little world.

It is so strange but I just can't get over it. I have so many issues with you. The way things ended are maybe too clear. You left the country. Have I spelled it out? I want so badly to just understand that simple phrase. You left, you left, you left. What am I supposed to do? I mean, what can I even expect. I feel so unfair for wanting more than you. I want balance in my life so much that the only thing I know to do is move on, forget, forgive, etc. But the only thing I really want, or maybe what I need, is an explanation. I feel like if I had an explanation, I could reason you out of my mind. For now, I'll just have to make up the explanation for you.

day 64

I am so sad that this break is over. I need to feel that my problems are not all coming back to school with me. I need to know that things will get better. I need something positive to happen to me. It is about time that something interesting happened in my life, and not the kind of interesting where people talk and I get hurt. The kind that makes me want to write for days and smile till my jaw hurts. I need the kind of happiness that overflows my soul and pours out my eyes. The kind that is so contagious that my body aches from the deep richness of my satisfaction. The best kind of happiness is the kind with no hesitation. When you think back on that moment, there is no doubt that it was pure and real. The kind of happiness you want to share. It is selfish to want this for myself?

day 63

Today I was in the car with one of my friends and I was talking about how excited I was to take pictures soon. She then asked me why I loved to take pictures. I didn't really know how to answer. Sometimes I think its okay to love something, but not know why. I'm really glad she asked me this, because it seems like something important to think about. How can I even think about dedicating my life to something if I don't even know why I love it?

day 62

Today I saw some random people's posts about how someone can win their heart. A heart is not something that can be won, it is not a trophy. A heart is something to be earned, it takes work, it takes patience. Once love has been created, it can be easily shattered. It is fragile and strong, it is complicated and simple. It is not a question, only an answer. It is so beautiful and wondrous, that it almost hurts to feel the white pureness sink into your soul. Once love has found a way into your heart, it can never escape completely. Little fragments and pieces will always remain, for one to cherish or burn. People may say that love is not a choice, but I disagree. Perhaps falling in love is not a choice, but the result is always up to the owner. Once you can see the choices you have, the power to manage destiny is all in your head.

day 61

Today was another dream. I float through the days now, waiting for weekend rewards.

day 60

I only feel bad for homeless people part of the time. It is really bitchy, but something got them to that place. People with the will to fight and succeed can get out of any situation. I can't decide if I hate that about myself or if It just is the ugly truth and I can see it. I probably have a weird perspective, considering my personal situation. I cannot judge a person for being homeless, but I can judge them for what they do with their own predicament. Life may seem like it is all dependent on fate and destiny, but life is a choice. We choose the way we want to live, and we choose to fight through difficulties. When we slack off, the consequences are obvious and cause detriment to our lives. So maybe it seems heartless of me to believe that people who go without a roof can work harder, but ultimately I can choose what I want to think.

day 59

I believe that people cannot be changed unless they want to be changed. I have thought this for most of my conscious life, and I will probably keep thinking this. No matter how miserable a person is, they have forged that path for themselves. It takes hitting rock bottom to realize a change must be made, and even then its no easy admission. I think that is what makes change so hard; admission. It is the worst feeling in the world to let people know that you know and truly believe that you were in the wrong. Honestly, it sucks. But in order for one to grow, they must know what they are growing from or diverting away from. You have to find your solid ground, even if it is as low as can be. I often fail to see that people are not made of clay, and they can not be molded into the people I want them to be. I see that I am in the wrong there, and I have found my solid ground. Now all I have to do is work everyday to understand that every person has nothing to do with what I want.

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. "

day 58

The truth is something that will always be important to me and possibly everyone in the world. It is always there, and it knows who we really are. The truth is never a disappointment or a achievement, because it can only be itself. People may try to define truth in different ways, but I do not understand how that is possible, because it is so constant and defined. The truth is the truth. No lies, no difficulty, just what is there. There is no need to justify or to deny the truth. It is always simple, no matter how complicated we try to make it. A light is a light, and a person a person. The truth is clear, but opaque. The truth is what everyone needs, no matter how hard it may be to hear. It isn't complicated, it is raw and untouched. It is plain and certain. Most importantly, the truth isn't safe. It is destructive and untamed, but it is always right.

day 57

I try to do what I think is right. Yes, that doesn't mean that everyone around me is happy all the time, nor does it mean that I am happy. In fact, I am miserable. I just don't know how to understand everything that is going on in my life right now. Maybe that is frustrating to others, but honestly I shouldn't have to answer to someone else. I am my own control, so when people tell me that it is wrong to do what I felt reasonable, I think that it is strange. I mean really, people need to take what they can get and be happy. If we ask for more, and keep trying to take and take, any efforts become futile and useless. There comes a point when I am stuck in retrograde. I see everything happening before my eyes, and I try and want to understand and solve everything, but I realize that I cannot do it alone. I hope that I am not alone, but I cannot help but feel what I have been fearing.

"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. "

-William Earnest Henley

day 56

seriously.

?